So it’s been 6 days since my son overdosed and was REVIVED with 3 doses of narcan. 

I am hopeless. 

I try to have hope but he makes it  impossible. 

He is in denial. Doesn’t think he has a problem. Refuses any and all help. He has this all under control. It was just an accident.

I know there is nothing I can do or say to him right now. 

Nothing that hasn’t already been said. 

Nothing we haven’t already tried. 

All I can do is start planning his funeral. I have to do this for me. Because I realize that there is no possible way I could deal with it when the time comes. 

I am purchasing a pre paid funeral plan. 

I asked him to come over to talk. 

I asked him what his preferences are. 

I think he didn’t take any of it serious. Thought it was a huge joke. But hopefully he will think about it. 

I was surprised that he wants to be buried. I told him maybe a good thing because at least I will have a place to go visit, mourn and place flowers. 

He could only come up with 2 friends to be pallbearers. You need 6-8. 

He said his sister can read the eulogy. I’m not sure she will be able to get thru it. His addiction has affected her so much. She is in counseling for it. 

They were so close growing up. Only 17 months apart. They were best friends. Until the drugs started. He hasn’t given her the time of day for 7 years. And still- she cries everyday over him. 

He has no idea of music, verses , poems or anything. 

I will need to decide all this myself. And like I said, I will do it now because I won’t be able to deal with it when the time comes.

I asked him what his obituary shall say. He had no idea. He has no accomplishments to list. Unless you count graduating drug court- only to use again. 

My heart is so heavy. He has no idea of the burden his drug use has placed on the family. And nor does he care. 

The drugs have made him blind to anything and everything. He is an empty shell .

 He has no idea how much he is loved, how much his choice to use drugs have wrecked havoc and destruction in anyone’s life in his path. 

The addict has an escape— the drugs. 

The family has no escape of the reality. 

It hurts. 

It hurts so much. 

There is no greater pain than mourning the loss of a loved one that is still alive

At least with death there is closure. 

But as long as he is breathing- 

I will try to find hope. 

Published by Gatorgal

Just a wonderer thru life enjoying the ride.

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2 Comments

  1. My heart is breaking with yours. Watching someone you love fade away is the worst curse, and their indifference is the worst breach of trust. It’s helpless and awful. Understand that you are not alone in this dark place, there are others sitting there with you. I hope that brighter days are coming for you and your family soon.

    Liked by 1 person

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